Flicks of Shame: what's a nice actor like you doing in a movie like this?

Talos the Mummy (1998)

Although he's since become a rising action star, thanks to an iconic turn in 300, back in 1998 Gerard Butler couldn't even get his name on the DVD case for this often baffling horror yarn. You see, not only is Talos the Mummy a particularly stupid example of cheap British horror (a sub-genre not exactly short on stupidity) it also features one of the most baffling cast lists in recent memory, stuffed as it is with future stars, fading icons and ex-soap stars.

The story opens in Egypt, in the Thirties, with archaeologist Sir Richard Turkel (Christopher Lee) about to unearth a long lost tomb. When he discovers the entrance – and finds the name Talos inscribed upon it – he gets nervous and refuses to go any further. His younger colleague, more interested in wealth than science, cracks open the tomb anyway – and unleashes a supernatural force that turns everyone to dust, including Turkel who crumbles into two pieces in what is just the first of many bargain basement CGI special effects shots so shoddy that you can actually see the edge of the graphics floating on top of the live action. With his last ounce of strength, Turkel blows up the entrance sealing the evil in forever. But, you know, not really. It’s a stupid horror movie, remember?

Fast forward fifty years, and Turkel’s granddaughter Samantha (CSI star Louise Lombard) is about to complete her grandfather’s work. Joining her on the expedition are Gerard Butler, Lysette Anthony (Krull, see: Liam Neeson), Michael Lerner (Godzilla) and Sean Pertwee (every crap British movie ever made). Pertwee, we’re crudely told, happens to have psychic powers.

Finally breaching the tomb, they find the sarcophagus of Talos suspended over a grisly tableaux of impaled corpses. Pertwee is immediately assailed with visions of ancient horror and goes mad on the spot. In the confusion, Butler clambers into the chamber, grabs an amulet, throws it to Samantha and then falls to his death. Yep, he dies before the undead mummy even wakes up. Stick around though, as there are plenty of other mind-boggling performances to savour...

Fast forward again, and we’re back in London. The sarcophagus is on display in the British Museum, but there was no body inside – just the ceremonial burial wrappings. With Mercury, Venus, Earth and Mars moving into alignment in a few days time, the soggy old rags escape from their glass case and set off into the big city, where their first point of business is removing the eyes from a holidaying US senator.
This understandably attracts the attention of the US Embassy, and they send Detective Riley (Jason Scott Lee, see: Matthew Lillard) to investigate. Riley is teamed with an ineffectual British copper, in the shape of Detective Barton, played by Jack Davenport, then just "that bloke from This Life" and now "that bloke from Pirates of the Caribbean".

More murders follow, with organs being removed from apparently unconnected people, and the prime suspect is poor old Sean Pertwee, still insane and now taking to shambling around the city, with an astral map tattooed on his shaved head. He’s trying to warn everyone – particularly Samantha – that Talos is coming back, and he must be stopped before the planets align. What follows is a commendably illogical gallop through every horror cliché under the sun, with random pitstops to rope a daffy spiritualist (Shelley Duvall), a hard-nosed police chief (Honor Blackman) and Samantha’s neighbour (Bill “Arfur from EastEnders” Treacher) into the risible action.

Hapless Jack makes his exit just before the final act, as he quizzes the now-captured Pertwee. The soggy rags of Talos slither in through the window and form themselves into a powerful figure. Splattering Mr Davenport into the ceiling, they then break Pertwee’s neck and slither off into the night.

It’s worth pointing out at this juncture that an already hilariously bad movie is rendered even more amusing by the fact that the villain resembles nothing more scary than a large pile of overcooked linguini. The sight of Arfur from EastEnders fighting a mass of pasta with a double-barrelled shotgun is not an image you’re likely to forget.

Things sputter to a farcical finale under the foundations of a new hotel – called the Pyramid, naturally – when it’s revealed that Lysette Anthony’s posh doctor has been in on Talos’ plan the whole time, and that the final piece of the mummy’s organic puzzle is not Samantha, as we have been painstakingly led to believe, but Detective Riley who, despite being Chinese, is the direct descendent of the Egyptian princess who died alongside Talos. Talos rips Riley’s heart out and devours it, at which point he actually becomes Detective Riley.

The movie ends – finally - with the all-new evil mummy version of Riley setting off to the Houses of Parliament, pausing only to deliver a fantastically fake CGI-enhanced snarl to the camera in one last vain attempt to scare the audience. He fails.

Need to know: Talos the Mummy was clearly hurried into production to draw some residual business from the then-in-production Universal remake of The Mummy. The film was co-produced by legendary special effects house KNB (Evil Dead 2, The X-Files, Kill Bill) which really doesn’t explain why every single special effect in the movie is absolutely abysmal. For its US release, the movie was slashed from its painfully bloated 115 minute running time to a far more bearable – though even more incomprehensible – 88 minutes. Writer and director Russell Mulcahy also directed the superior comic book yarn, The Shadow (see: Ian McKellen).

Availability: Talos the Mummy has long since vanished from British shelves, but he can be found on DVD over in Europe without too much trouble.

		Talos the Mummy (1998) Although he's since become a rising action star, thanks to an iconic turn in 300, back in 1998 Gerard Butler couldn't even get his name on the DVD case for this often baffling horror yarn. You see, not only is Talos the Mummy a particularly stupid example of cheap British horror (a sub-genre not exactly short on stupidity) it also features one of the most baffling cast lists in recent memory, stuffed as it is with future stars, fading icons and ex-soap stars. The story opens in Egypt, in the Thirties, with archaeologist Sir Richard Turkel (Christopher Lee) about to unearth a long lost tomb. When he discovers the entrance – and finds the name Talos inscribed upon it – he gets nervous and refuses to go any further. His younger colleague, more interested in wealth than science, cracks open the tomb anyway – and unleashes a supernatural force that turns everyone to dust, including Turkel who crumbles into two pieces in what is just the first of many bargain basement CGI special effects shots so shoddy that you can actually see the edge of the graphics floating on top of the live action. With his last ounce of strength, Turkel blows up the entrance sealing the evil in forever. But, you know, not really. It’s a stupid horror movie, remember? Fast forward fifty years, and Turkel’s granddaughter Samantha (CSI star Louise Lombard) is about to complete her grandfather’s work. Joining her on the expedition are Gerard Butler, Lysette Anthony (Krull, see: Liam Neeson), Michael Lerner (Godzilla) and Sean Pertwee (every crap British movie ever made). Pertwee, we’re crudely told, happens to have psychic powers. Finally breaching the tomb, they find the sarcophagus of Talos suspended over a grisly tableaux of impaled corpses. Pertwee is immediately assailed with visions of ancient horror and goes mad on the spot. In the confusion, Butler clambers into the chamber, grabs an amulet, throws it to Samantha and then falls to his death. Yep, he dies before the undead mummy even wakes up. Stick around though, as there are plenty of other mind-boggling performances to savour... Fast forward again, and we’re back in London. The sarcophagus is on display in the British Museum, but there was no body inside – just the ceremonial burial wrappings. With Mercury, Venus, Earth and Mars moving into alignment in a few days time, the soggy old rags escape from their glass case and set off into the big city, where their first point of business is removing the eyes from a holidaying US senator. This understandably attracts the attention of the US Embassy, and they send Detective Riley (Jason Scott Lee, see: Matthew Lillard) to investigate. Riley is teamed with an ineffectual British copper, in the shape of Detective Barton, played by Jack Davenport, then just "that bloke from This Life" and now "that bloke from Pirates of the Caribbean". More murders follow, with organs being removed from apparently unconnected people, and the prime suspect is poor old Sean Pertwee, still insane and now taking to shambling around the city, with an astral map tattooed on his shaved head. He’s trying to warn everyone – particularly Samantha – that Talos is coming back, and he must be stopped before the planets align. What follows is a commendably illogical gallop through every horror cliché under the sun, with random pitstops to rope a daffy spiritualist (Shelley Duvall), a hard-nosed police chief (Honor Blackman) and Samantha’s neighbour (Bill “Arfur from EastEnders” Treacher) into the risible action. Hapless Jack makes his exit just before the final act, as he quizzes the now-captured Pertwee. The soggy rags of Talos slither in through the window and form themselves into a powerful figure. Splattering Mr Davenport into the ceiling, they then break Pertwee’s neck and slither off into the night. It’s worth pointing out at this juncture that an already hilariously bad movie is rendered even more amusing by the fact that the villain resembles nothing more scary than a large pile of overcooked linguini. The sight of Arfur from EastEnders fighting a mass of pasta with a double-barrelled shotgun is not an image you’re likely to forget. Things sputter to a farcical finale under the foundations of a new hotel – called the Pyramid, naturally – when it’s revealed that Lysette Anthony’s posh doctor has been in on Talos’ plan the whole time, and that the final piece of the mummy’s organic puzzle is not Samantha, as we have been painstakingly led to believe, but Detective Riley who, despite being Chinese, is the direct descendent of the Egyptian princess who died alongside Talos. Talos rips Riley’s heart out and devours it, at which point he actually becomes Detective Riley. The movie ends – finally - with the all-new evil mummy version of Riley setting off to the Houses of Parliament, pausing only to deliver a fantastically fake CGI-enhanced snarl to the camera in one last vain attempt to scare the audience. He fails. Need to know: Talos the Mummy was clearly hurried into production to draw some residual business from the then-in-production Universal remake of The Mummy. The film was co-produced by legendary special effects house KNB (Evil Dead 2, The X-Files, Kill Bill) which really doesn’t explain why every single special effect in the movie is absolutely abysmal. For its US release, the movie was slashed from its painfully bloated 115 minute running time to a far more bearable – though even more incomprehensible – 88 minutes. Writer and director Russell Mulcahy also directed the superior comic book yarn, The Shadow (see: Ian McKellen). Availability: Talos the Mummy has long since vanished from British shelves, but he can be found on DVD over in Europe without too much trouble.
Text © 2008 Dan Whitehead. No cut and paste, y'hear? All images remain the property of the offending studios and their reproduction is covered by Fair Use law.