Flicks of Shame: what's a nice actor like you doing in a movie like this?

Return to Horror High (1987)

When you name a high school after notorious serial killer Dr. Crippen, you’re pretty much inviting trouble, so the staff of Crippen High shouldn’t have been too surprised when someone took a series of sharp implements to various members of the faculty and student body.

But, despite appearances, that’s not what this movie is about.
No, Return to Horror High is not a sequel to some long forgotten slasher, it’s a stand alone movie in which a film crew descend on Crippen High five years later to shoot a horror movie about the original murders. But, you guessed it, that’s not quite what this movie is about either.

The movie opens with the entire film crew already slashed, murdered and stretched out on the lawn as the cops quiz the soul survivor – the writer of the film – as to what happened in those blood-soaked classrooms.

So for those of you keeping track, Return to Horror High is a flashback to a flashback of a film within a film. And, yes, it’s every bit as skull-punchingly unwatchable as that sounds.

Gorgeous George makes his debut early on, and exits in gory fashion a mere ten minutes later, so anyone hoping to enjoy his head-bobbing charm or robustly sculpted mullet can do so without troubling themselves with the rest of this awful, awful film.

In a metatextual coincidence of cosmic proportions, George plays a promising young actor stuck in a shitty B-movie. With four weeks still to go on the shoot, he gets an offer to star in a new TV series (“It’s Miami Vice meets Moonlighting” he crows, which should give you a pretty good handle on how Eighties this movie is) and so he walks out on the struggling flick with a cocky swagger. “He was a lousy actor anyway” declares the brash producer, somewhat prematurely, and promptly replaces him with the actual cop he was supposed to be playing.

Seriously, don’t even try to follow the story. It’ll only end in tears.

Unfortunately (and somewhat inexplicably) rather than walking out of the school’s large and obvious front door, George goes upstairs and gets lost, finding himself in a creepy hallway, shrouded in dry ice. Like any dumb horror victim, he advances into the darkness calling out “Is there anyone there?” for the sole benefit of the insane killer obviously lurking in the shadows.

Sure enough, George gets grabbed, dragged into a classroom and we see his bloodied and distraught face smeared against the small window as the sound effects leave us in no doubt as to the severe puncturing his torso is receiving. He slumps to the ground, and a veritable tide of Clooney gore comes lapping from beneath the door.

You can safely switch off at this point, as the rest of the film piles on a mind-mashing amount of fake murders that look real, real murders that look fake, dream sequences buried in flashbacks buried in scenes from the movie in the movie and so many incomprehensible plot twists that the whole enterprise collapses like a soufflé of idiotic horror clichés, crushed by the weight of its own stupid concept long before the protracted final confrontation which lasts for a painful thirty minutes and plays like an episode of Scooby Doo written by a stoned teenager. By the time you’re slapped in the gob by the nonsensical revelation that the second batch of murders was just a fake PR stunt by the producer to drum up interest in his movie about the first batch of real murders (even though Clooney really does seem to have been killed) you’ll either be confused, annoyed or fast asleep. Maybe even all three.

Need to know: Amos, the black school janitor who not only turns out to be the original killer but also the white principal wearing a rubber mask (don’t ask), was played by Al Fann, who can be seen playing another token black pensioner in Parasite (see: Demi Moore). Return to Horror High was directed by Bill Froelich, who went on to produce Freddy’s Nightmares, the spin-off TV show from the Elm Street franchise, while the 1st Assistant Director was Rachel Talalay, who would go on to direct Freddy’s Dead (see: Johnny Depp) and Tank Girl (see: Naomi Watts). The tediously post-modern idea of setting a horror movie around the making of a horror movie based on a series of killings that take place before the events of the film in question was cribbed for Scream 2, a movie with a twist ending only marginally less dumb than this one.

Honourable mentions: At the time he made Horror High, the 26-year-old Clooney already had TV credits in such classic action fare as Riptide, Street Hawk and Crazy like a Fox. He made his movie debut in 1986 in the crap comedy Combat Academy (a trailer for which can be found on the UK rental VHS of Horror High) and in 1987 he appeared in Grizzly II, a now-vanished sequel to William Girdler’s 1976 killer bear flick (see: Charlie Sheen, Tony Curtis). Clooney stayed in mondo bizarre territory in 1988, with another turn as a mulleted babe magnet in the sci-fi parody, Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

Availability: Return to Horror High is only available on ex-rental VHS in the UK, but a DVD edition can be found in the US as well as a twin-disc featuring Return of the Killer Tomatoes for a double dose of early Clooney class.

		Return to Horror High (1987) When you name a high school after notorious serial killer Dr. Crippen, you’re pretty much inviting trouble, so the staff of Crippen High shouldn’t have been too surprised when someone took a series of sharp implements to various members of the faculty and student body. But, despite appearances, that’s not what this movie is about. No, Return to Horror High is not a sequel to some long forgotten slasher, it’s a stand alone movie in which a film crew descend on Crippen High five years later to shoot a horror movie about the original murders. But, you guessed it, that’s not quite what this movie is about either. The movie opens with the entire film crew already slashed, murdered and stretched out on the lawn as the cops quiz the soul survivor – the writer of the film – as to what happened in those blood-soaked classrooms. So for those of you keeping track, Return to Horror High is a flashback to a flashback of a film within a film. And, yes, it’s every bit as skull-punchingly unwatchable as that sounds. Gorgeous George makes his debut early on, and exits in gory fashion a mere ten minutes later, so anyone hoping to enjoy his head-bobbing charm or robustly sculpted mullet can do so without troubling themselves with the rest of this awful, awful film. In a metatextual coincidence of cosmic proportions, George plays a promising young actor stuck in a shitty B-movie. With four weeks still to go on the shoot, he gets an offer to star in a new TV series (“It’s Miami Vice meets Moonlighting” he crows, which should give you a pretty good handle on how Eighties this movie is) and so he walks out on the struggling flick with a cocky swagger. “He was a lousy actor anyway” declares the brash producer, somewhat prematurely, and promptly replaces him with the actual cop he was supposed to be playing. Seriously, don’t even try to follow the story. It’ll only end in tears. Unfortunately (and somewhat inexplicably) rather than walking out of the school’s large and obvious front door, George goes upstairs and gets lost, finding himself in a creepy hallway, shrouded in dry ice. Like any dumb horror victim, he advances into the darkness calling out “Is there anyone there?” for the sole benefit of the insane killer obviously lurking in the shadows. Sure enough, George gets grabbed, dragged into a classroom and we see his bloodied and distraught face smeared against the small window as the sound effects leave us in no doubt as to the severe puncturing his torso is receiving. He slumps to the ground, and a veritable tide of Clooney gore comes lapping from beneath the door. You can safely switch off at this point, as the rest of the film piles on a mind-mashing amount of fake murders that look real, real murders that look fake, dream sequences buried in flashbacks buried in scenes from the movie in the movie and so many incomprehensible plot twists that the whole enterprise collapses like a soufflé of idiotic horror clichés, crushed by the weight of its own stupid concept long before the protracted final confrontation which lasts for a painful thirty minutes and plays like an episode of Scooby Doo written by a stoned teenager. By the time you’re slapped in the gob by the nonsensical revelation that the second batch of murders was just a fake PR stunt by the producer to drum up interest in his movie about the first batch of real murders (even though Clooney really does seem to have been killed) you’ll either be confused, annoyed or fast asleep. Maybe even all three. Need to know: Amos, the black school janitor who not only turns out to be the original killer but also the white principal wearing a rubber mask (don’t ask), was played by Al Fann, who can be seen playing another token black pensioner in Parasite (see: Demi Moore). Return to Horror High was directed by Bill Froelich, who went on to produce Freddy’s Nightmares, the spin-off TV show from the Elm Street franchise, while the 1st Assistant Director was Rachel Talalay, who would go on to direct Freddy’s Dead (see: Johnny Depp) and Tank Girl (see: Naomi Watts). The tediously post-modern idea of setting a horror movie around the making of a horror movie based on a series of killings that take place before the events of the film in question was cribbed for Scream 2, a movie with a twist ending only marginally less dumb than this one. Honourable mentions: At the time he made Horror High, the 26-year-old Clooney already had TV credits in such classic action fare as Riptide, Street Hawk and Crazy like a Fox. He made his movie debut in 1986 in the crap comedy Combat Academy (a trailer for which can be found on the UK rental VHS of Horror High) and in 1987 he appeared in Grizzly II, a now-vanished sequel to William Girdler’s 1976 killer bear flick (see: Charlie Sheen, Tony Curtis). Clooney stayed in mondo bizarre territory in 1988, with another turn as a mulleted babe magnet in the sci-fi parody, Return of the Killer Tomatoes. Availability: Return to Horror High is only available on ex-rental VHS in the UK, but a DVD edition can be found in the US as well as a twin-disc featuring Return of the Killer Tomatoes for a double dose of early Clooney class.
Text © 2008 Dan Whitehead. No cut and paste, y'hear? All images remain the property of the offending studios and their reproduction is covered by Fair Use law.