Flicks of Shame: what's a nice actor like you doing in a movie like this?

Critters 3 (1991)

DiCaprio really came to the world’s attention in 1993, when he co-starred with Johnny Depp in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? His frank and disarming portrayal of Depp’s mentally challenged younger brother in the quirky drama immediately shot him to the top of most studio’s “actors to watch” list, and he followed it up with a string of varied roles in flicks such as the drug addict biopic The Basketball Diaries and Baz Luhrmann’s flamboyant modern day retelling of Romeo + Juliet.

And where did it all start? In a crappy apartment building, fighting extra terrestrial muppets.

The origins and shortcomings of the Critters saga are well covered elsewhere (See: Angela Bassett) but this entry is an especially weak one. You can always tell when a cheap franchise has been forced to get a whole lot cheaper. For one thing, the locations become a lot simpler and self-contained. Like, for instance, a crappy apartment building. And those expensive special effects are used sparingly, meaning less monsters and more filler.

That’s certainly the case here, as the ravenous alien fuzzballs set up home in a run-down apartment block. This not only keeps the movie set almost entirely indoors on the same handful of sets, it also allows a supporting cast of tedious human characters to pad out the running time.

DiCaprio stars as Josh, the sort of streetwise teen that seemed so painfully cool to kids in the early Nineties, all HiTec sneakers, day-glo shirts and floppy hair. When we first meet him, he’s warning some kids not to climb into a ditch to retrieve their frisbee because “there might be badgers in there.” Thank goodness someone is protecting America’s youth from the rampant badger menace. And yet, somehow, the movie gets even more stupid from that point on.

Josh’s step dad is an unbearable asshole who owns the apartment block, and he’s been conspiring with the building manager to drive out the tenants. Among the hapless inhabitants is Annie, a plucky young girl who, along with her chirpy younger brother and distant father, supplies our main storyline. See, ever since mom died, their father hasn’t been giving them enough hugs. He leaves them with the quaint old couple in the building while he drives cross-country as a truck driver. Also thrown into the mix is the token Funny Fat Woman and a Lonely Middle-Aged Woman, who just happens to be the right age for breaking Annie’s dad out of his bereavement funk.

We spend an interminable amount of time trudging through the pointless everyday strife of this bunch, leaving the audience in the unnatural position of hoping the Critters turn up soon.

When they do hatch out, the Critters chomp on the building manager in one of the only vaguely gruesome moments and then spend a huge chunk of the running time just pissing about in a kitchen – drinking soap, rolling in flour, farting, that sort of thing – while the humans scramble into the attic and try to get out.

None of them seem to be able to grasp the concept of simply walking out of the front door, so we’re stuck in there with them. Leo’s asshole step dad is the second (and final) victim of the Critters, which gives the young actor at least one chance to emote a little, as he expresses mild anguish over the lack of closure on their prickly relationship. Luckily, when the Critters are finally defeated – trust me, your life is not enriched by knowing how this happens – Leo’s mum magically appears and all is right with the world.

Leo is pretty awful in this movie, but then so is everybody and everything else. He makes the most of the sparse character arc given to him by the script but you still can’t help wondering if, as he sank for the final time in Titanic, he was still worried about badgers lurking in the deep.

Need to know: Critters 3 was filmed at the same time as Critters 4 (See: Angela Bassett), hence the presence of a suspense-free cliffhanger ending which drones on and on, punctuated by the end credits. The entire scene was then repeated at the start of the follow-up, just in case anybody decided to endure a Critters marathon and forgot what had happened moments earlier.

Availability: All the Critters movies are still sadly available in a DVD boxset.

		Critters 3 (1991) DiCaprio really came to the world’s attention in 1993, when he co-starred with Johnny Depp in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? His frank and disarming portrayal of Depp’s mentally challenged younger brother in the quirky drama immediately shot him to the top of most studio’s “actors to watch” list, and he followed it up with a string of varied roles in flicks such as the drug addict biopic The Basketball Diaries and Baz Luhrmann’s flamboyant modern day retelling of Romeo + Juliet. And where did it all start? In a crappy apartment building, fighting extra terrestrial muppets. The origins and shortcomings of the Critters saga are well covered elsewhere (See: Angela Bassett) but this entry is an especially weak one. You can always tell when a cheap franchise has been forced to get a whole lot cheaper. For one thing, the locations become a lot simpler and self-contained. Like, for instance, a crappy apartment building. And those expensive special effects are used sparingly, meaning less monsters and more filler. That’s certainly the case here, as the ravenous alien fuzzballs set up home in a run-down apartment block. This not only keeps the movie set almost entirely indoors on the same handful of sets, it also allows a supporting cast of tedious human characters to pad out the running time. DiCaprio stars as Josh, the sort of streetwise teen that seemed so painfully cool to kids in the early Nineties, all HiTec sneakers, day-glo shirts and floppy hair. When we first meet him, he’s warning some kids not to climb into a ditch to retrieve their frisbee because “there might be badgers in there.” Thank goodness someone is protecting America’s youth from the rampant badger menace. And yet, somehow, the movie gets even more stupid from that point on. Josh’s step dad is an unbearable asshole who owns the apartment block, and he’s been conspiring with the building manager to drive out the tenants. Among the hapless inhabitants is Annie, a plucky young girl who, along with her chirpy younger brother and distant father, supplies our main storyline. See, ever since mom died, their father hasn’t been giving them enough hugs. He leaves them with the quaint old couple in the building while he drives cross-country as a truck driver. Also thrown into the mix is the token Funny Fat Woman and a Lonely Middle-Aged Woman, who just happens to be the right age for breaking Annie’s dad out of his bereavement funk. We spend an interminable amount of time trudging through the pointless everyday strife of this bunch, leaving the audience in the unnatural position of hoping the Critters turn up soon. When they do hatch out, the Critters chomp on the building manager in one of the only vaguely gruesome moments and then spend a huge chunk of the running time just pissing about in a kitchen – drinking soap, rolling in flour, farting, that sort of thing – while the humans scramble into the attic and try to get out. None of them seem to be able to grasp the concept of simply walking out of the front door, so we’re stuck in there with them. Leo’s asshole step dad is the second (and final) victim of the Critters, which gives the young actor at least one chance to emote a little, as he expresses mild anguish over the lack of closure on their prickly relationship. Luckily, when the Critters are finally defeated – trust me, your life is not enriched by knowing how this happens – Leo’s mum magically appears and all is right with the world. Leo is pretty awful in this movie, but then so is everybody and everything else. He makes the most of the sparse character arc given to him by the script but you still can’t help wondering if, as he sank for the final time in Titanic, he was still worried about badgers lurking in the deep. Need to know: Critters 3 was filmed at the same time as Critters 4 (See: Angela Bassett), hence the presence of a suspense-free cliffhanger ending which drones on and on, punctuated by the end credits. The entire scene was then repeated at the start of the follow-up, just in case anybody decided to endure a Critters marathon and forgot what had happened moments earlier. Availability: All the Critters movies are still sadly available in a DVD boxset.
Text © 2008 Dan Whitehead. No cut and paste, y'hear? All images remain the property of the offending studios and their reproduction is covered by Fair Use law.