Flicks of Shame: what's a nice actor like you doing in a movie like this?

The Unborn (1991)

Brad and Virginia Marshall are desperate for a child. Sadly, her baby bits aren’t up to the job and every conventional doctor has told them that conception is impossible. Cue their disturbingly eager friends, who recommend they pay a visit to the doctor who helped them conceive.

The Marshall’s dutifully turn up at the clinic of Dr. Richard Meyerling to see what can be done. And who’s there to greet them at the reception desk? Why, that would be Lisa Kudrow, aka Phoebe from Friends, acting pretty much exactly like Phoebe from Friends. Except her hair is black. That’s, like, method acting or something. You know something is amiss just from her overly cheery demeanour, and from the beaming aplomb with which she handles a plastic cup just begging to be filled with Brad’s ejaculate. “I hope you’re in the mood” winks Dr Meyerling as Brad is led away by Kudrow to squeeze out some seed. Make the most of this fleeting meeting, as we won’t be seeing Lisa Kudrow again, but it’s already too late – the damage is done.

Virginia is impregnated with her husband’s sperm, though the good doctor has added an extra genetic kick to the mix to make the baby stronger and smarter. And we all know what that means. Yep. Psychotic mutants.

Sure enough, as the bump gets bigger, the signs that Dr Meyerling is up to no good also begin to grow. All the women undergoing his treatment develop an oozing rash on their necks. One of his patients stabs herself in the stomach rather than give birth. The relaxation tape he hands to Virginia contains subliminal messages directed at the baby. A lesbian who used his technique to conceive bludgeons her partner to death with a hammer.

Finally convinced that something is seriously amiss in her down-belows, Virginia is forced to visit a backstreet abortionist (who apparently drums up trade by hanging around a legitimate abortion clinic waiting room) where the genetically altered foetus is removed. Upon learning of the termination, Brad is horrified and storms out of the house.

And if you thought a pregnant woman ramming a knife into her stomach to kill her baby was sick, be warned - things nosedive into seriously repulsive territory from here onwards. You see, the aborted baby survives the procedure. Yep. It survives being aborted. Drawn by its cries, Virginia makes her way back to the grotty back alley where she is greeted – for no reason – by a deformed dwarf on a skateboard. As he wheels himself off, she opens a dumpster and the foetus bursts out in one of the most bizarre jump-scares in horror history. Overcome with maternal instinct, Virginia takes her offspring home. Brad returns to make peace and finds her breast-feeding a goggle-eyed rubber puppet. “It’s horrible”, he says, stating the obvious just a tad, and the mewling foetus retorts by jamming a knitting needle into daddy’s eye.

It’s this, rather than the fact that she just fished her still-living foetus out of the trash, that makes Virginia realise that Dr Meyerling still has a few questions to answer. She bursts into his clinic in the dead of night, spluttering and brandishing a pistol, and forces Meyerling to explain what the baby-making heck is going on. “Just in time!” he smirks. “We don’t even need mothers any more…”

Yes, he’s now growing them in big glass baubles like a proper mad scientist should. Virginia, understandably, puts a bullet in Dr Meyerling and then uses the incubators as a shooting gallery, showering the dying doc in amniotic fluid and chunks of exploded foetus. Despite this subtle climax, the movie ends with Virginia cradling her evil foetus against a lovely sunrise, ready to join the Master Race.

And while Lisa Kudrow may not have a large role in this supremely tasteless gore-fest, she’s impossible to miss and, let’s face it, none of this gynaecological carnage would have even happened without Phoebe from Friends and her jubilant ability to deliver a cup of spunk. Makes you think, eh?

Need to know: The villainous Dr Meyerling was played by James Karen, a great character actor who you may remember as the property developer who created all sorts of supernatural havoc when he moved the headstones but left the bodies in the original Poltergeist. More in keeping with this site, he also played Professor Camden in Hercules In New York (see: Arnold Schwarzenegger). Martha, Virginia’s useless and alcoholic mother, was played by K Callan. She went on to play a rather more famous Martha – Martha Kent, adopted mother of Clark Kent – in the 1993 TV series, Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman.

The Unborn marked the directorial debut of the boldly named Rodman Flender, who would later bring us Leprechaun 2 (see: Jennifer Aniston) and Idle Hands (see: Jessica Alba). And if you wonder why this tale of womb raiding features such a pounding electro-synth accompaniment…the soundtrack is by one Gary Numan. The Unborn II followed in 1994.

For yet more bad taste baby horror, see: Rock Hudson.

Availability: The 2001 US DVD release of The Unborn is now out of print, but VHS copies can still be found.

		The Unborn (1991) Brad and Virginia Marshall are desperate for a child. Sadly, her baby bits aren’t up to the job and every conventional doctor has told them that conception is impossible. Cue their disturbingly eager friends, who recommend they pay a visit to the doctor who helped them conceive. The Marshall’s dutifully turn up at the clinic of Dr. Richard Meyerling to see what can be done. And who’s there to greet them at the reception desk? Why, that would be Lisa Kudrow, aka Phoebe from Friends, acting pretty much exactly like Phoebe from Friends. Except her hair is black. That’s, like, method acting or something. You know something is amiss just from her overly cheery demeanour, and from the beaming aplomb with which she handles a plastic cup just begging to be filled with Brad’s ejaculate. “I hope you’re in the mood” winks Dr Meyerling as Brad is led away by Kudrow to squeeze out some seed. Make the most of this fleeting meeting, as we won’t be seeing Lisa Kudrow again, but it’s already too late – the damage is done. Virginia is impregnated with her husband’s sperm, though the good doctor has added an extra genetic kick to the mix to make the baby stronger and smarter. And we all know what that means. Yep. Psychotic mutants. Sure enough, as the bump gets bigger, the signs that Dr Meyerling is up to no good also begin to grow. All the women undergoing his treatment develop an oozing rash on their necks. One of his patients stabs herself in the stomach rather than give birth. The relaxation tape he hands to Virginia contains subliminal messages directed at the baby. A lesbian who used his technique to conceive bludgeons her partner to death with a hammer. Finally convinced that something is seriously amiss in her down-belows, Virginia is forced to visit a backstreet abortionist (who apparently drums up trade by hanging around a legitimate abortion clinic waiting room) where the genetically altered foetus is removed. Upon learning of the termination, Brad is horrified and storms out of the house. And if you thought a pregnant woman ramming a knife into her stomach to kill her baby was sick, be warned - things nosedive into seriously repulsive territory from here onwards. You see, the aborted baby survives the procedure. Yep. It survives being aborted. Drawn by its cries, Virginia makes her way back to the grotty back alley where she is greeted – for no reason – by a deformed dwarf on a skateboard. As he wheels himself off, she opens a dumpster and the foetus bursts out in one of the most bizarre jump-scares in horror history. Overcome with maternal instinct, Virginia takes her offspring home. Brad returns to make peace and finds her breast-feeding a goggle-eyed rubber puppet. “It’s horrible”, he says, stating the obvious just a tad, and the mewling foetus retorts by jamming a knitting needle into daddy’s eye. It’s this, rather than the fact that she just fished her still-living foetus out of the trash, that makes Virginia realise that Dr Meyerling still has a few questions to answer. She bursts into his clinic in the dead of night, spluttering and brandishing a pistol, and forces Meyerling to explain what the baby-making heck is going on. “Just in time!” he smirks. “We don’t even need mothers any more…” Yes, he’s now growing them in big glass baubles like a proper mad scientist should. Virginia, understandably, puts a bullet in Dr Meyerling and then uses the incubators as a shooting gallery, showering the dying doc in amniotic fluid and chunks of exploded foetus. Despite this subtle climax, the movie ends with Virginia cradling her evil foetus against a lovely sunrise, ready to join the Master Race. And while Lisa Kudrow may not have a large role in this supremely tasteless gore-fest, she’s impossible to miss and, let’s face it, none of this gynaecological carnage would have even happened without Phoebe from Friends and her jubilant ability to deliver a cup of spunk. Makes you think, eh? Need to know: The villainous Dr Meyerling was played by James Karen, a great character actor who you may remember as the property developer who created all sorts of supernatural havoc when he moved the headstones but left the bodies in the original Poltergeist. More in keeping with this site, he also played Professor Camden in Hercules In New York (see: Arnold Schwarzenegger). Martha, Virginia’s useless and alcoholic mother, was played by K Callan. She went on to play a rather more famous Martha – Martha Kent, adopted mother of Clark Kent – in the 1993 TV series, Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. The Unborn marked the directorial debut of the boldly named Rodman Flender, who would later bring us Leprechaun 2 (see: Jennifer Aniston) and Idle Hands (see: Jessica Alba). And if you wonder why this tale of womb raiding features such a pounding electro-synth accompaniment…the soundtrack is by one Gary Numan. The Unborn II followed in 1994. For yet more bad taste baby horror, see: Rock Hudson. Availability: The 2001 US DVD release of The Unborn is now out of print, but VHS copies can still be found.
Text © 2008 Dan Whitehead. No cut and paste, y'hear? All images remain the property of the offending studios and their reproduction is covered by Fair Use law.