Flicks of Shame: what's a nice actor like you doing in a movie like this?

Firehead, 1991

Though most probably still know him as Commander Koenig from Space 1999, Martin Landau had already been nominated for the Best Supporting Actor Academy Award two years on the trot by 1990, once for Coppola’s 1988 auto industry biopic Tucker and again for Woody Allen’s 1989 comedy drama, Crimes and Misdemeanours. The versatile character actor finally got his hands on a gold statue in 1994 for his sympathetic and heartbreaking turn as Bela Lugosi in Tim Burton’s Ed Wood, but in between these career highs he made the baffling decision to put in a “special appearance” in this near incoherent glasnost superhero yarn, made with all the scope and ambition of a school play. Of course, his “special appearance” generously extends to two scenes in which he sits down with a piping hot cup of coffee and enormous cigar, so it probably wasn’t a huge drain on his time.

The Firehead of the title is Ivan Tigor, a Soviet demolitions expert who also has the utterly random ability to shoot beams of blue energy from his eyes. A mere thirty seconds into the movie, and he decides to defect because his Evil Communist Overlords command him to kill innocent children – but also because the audience is in real danger of spotting that war torn Estonia looks a lot like suburban Alabama.

We then lurch awkwardly forward in time, and to America, where we discover that not only did Firehead defect, he’s already been teamed with a germ warfare expert, done some secret government work, and has now gone rogue once again, blowing up two seemingly harmless factories along the way. This great steaming pile of information is delivered in roughly ten seconds of clumsy exposition, accomplishing the remarkable task of leaving the audience angry, disorientated and confused less than five minutes into the movie.

Department of Defense Chief, Colonel Vaughn (Christopher Plummer) turns to Firehead’s old partner, Dr. Warren Hart (Chris Lemmon) to track him down. Hart is then introduced to what appears to be an enormous transvestite, but is in actual fact the supposedly sexy female agent assigned to join the hunt for Firehead. When she seduces Hart later on in the story, via a stilted and eerily robotic striptease, you can’t help but be reminded of Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, pouting for his video camera with his todger tucked between his legs.

Also helping the remarkably stupid doctor in his quest is the twelve-year-old girl who lives next door, who provides him with the first vital clue when she works out that the factories Firehead has been attacking could all produce components for MX rockets. Yep, it takes a schoolgirl to figure that one out.

The hopelessly dim Hart still needs more info, and the only way to get it in a film like this is to break into a top secret installation and magically extract it from “the computer banks”. And to do that, Hart needs help from an old friend – Admiral Pendleton, US Navy, retired.

We know immediately that he’s a good sort, because the first time we see him he’s chopping wood in the yard of his idyllic retreat, and because he’s played with avuncular warmth by Martin Landau.
Pendleton delivers another convenient lump of exposition, while enjoying his first cup of coffee and cigar, and thus informed Hart is finally ready to do something for himself. Using Pendleton’s ID card to gain access to the secret files, he discovers that Colonel Vaughn is a member of the sinister Upper Order, an Illuminati-style organisation intent on kickstarting World War III. Cleverly deducing that Firehead is actually trying to stop this scheme, rather than being a part of it, Hart sets off to save the day.

Of course, by using Pendleton’s ID card, Hart has put his old friend firmly in the frame and in the second of Landau’s scenes, he’s paid a visit by some hired goons while enjoying more coffee and yet another cigar. Just before they put a bullet in his skull, he blurts out some memorable last words – “Tell Vaughn he’s a horse’s ass” – and then he sensibly dies and leaves the viewer with precious little to look forward to for the next hour.

Suffice to say that the remainder of this sorry yarn involves several high security installations guarded by an economical four guards, many over eager stuntmen hurling themselves into the air seconds before carefully placed barrels explode behind them and countless gunfights in which people fire wildly while standing five feet from each other.

And as for Firehead himself? He’s almost entirely pointless. His superpower is never explained, and he spends most of the movie shooting guns and throwing bombs despite being able to shoot frickin’ laser beams out of his eyes. His contribution to the gripping climax is to lie unconscious on the floor while Hart takes on the tricky job of deactivating dozens of bombs rigged to blow up the President by simply pressing the solitary big red button on the detonator.

All things considered, having received two cups of coffee, two cigars, a bullet in the face and an early bath, Landau gets off very lightly.

Need to know: Chris Lemmon is the son of comedy legend Jack Lemmon, though his most high profile work was as Hulk Hogan’s sidekick on the shortlived series of TV movies, Thunder In Paradise. Christopher Plummer is, of course, most famous as the Von Trapp patriarch in The Sound of Music, though his list of credits both before and since is long and illustrious. He can also be found as another evil government spook in Dreamscape (see: Dennis Quaid) and, just for a change, on the receiving end of evil government spookery in the whimsical robot tragedy Prototype (see: David Morse).

Honourable mentions: Other noteworthy oddities in the Landau filmography include the 1980 creature feature Without Warning, the 1981 crossover comedy Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan’s Island, and Cyclone, a 1987 superbike sci-fi flick from Fred Olen Ray (see: Jennifer Love Hewitt). Landau also had a voice role on the 1996 animated Spider-Man show, playing the villainous Scorpion.

Availability: Firehead is, unsurprisingly, only available on second hand VHS.

		Firehead, 1991 Though most probably still know him as Commander Koenig from Space 1999, Martin Landau had already been nominated for the Best Supporting Actor Academy Award two years on the trot by 1990, once for Coppola’s 1988 auto industry biopic Tucker and again for Woody Allen’s 1989 comedy drama, Crimes and Misdemeanours. The versatile character actor finally got his hands on a gold statue in 1994 for his sympathetic and heartbreaking turn as Bela Lugosi in Tim Burton’s Ed Wood, but in between these career highs he made the baffling decision to put in a “special appearance” in this near incoherent glasnost superhero yarn, made with all the scope and ambition of a school play. Of course, his “special appearance” generously extends to two scenes in which he sits down with a piping hot cup of coffee and enormous cigar, so it probably wasn’t a huge drain on his time. The Firehead of the title is Ivan Tigor, a Soviet demolitions expert who also has the utterly random ability to shoot beams of blue energy from his eyes. A mere thirty seconds into the movie, and he decides to defect because his Evil Communist Overlords command him to kill innocent children – but also because the audience is in real danger of spotting that war torn Estonia looks a lot like suburban Alabama. We then lurch awkwardly forward in time, and to America, where we discover that not only did Firehead defect, he’s already been teamed with a germ warfare expert, done some secret government work, and has now gone rogue once again, blowing up two seemingly harmless factories along the way. This great steaming pile of information is delivered in roughly ten seconds of clumsy exposition, accomplishing the remarkable task of leaving the audience angry, disorientated and confused less than five minutes into the movie. Department of Defense Chief, Colonel Vaughn (Christopher Plummer) turns to Firehead’s old partner, Dr. Warren Hart (Chris Lemmon) to track him down. Hart is then introduced to what appears to be an enormous transvestite, but is in actual fact the supposedly sexy female agent assigned to join the hunt for Firehead. When she seduces Hart later on in the story, via a stilted and eerily robotic striptease, you can’t help but be reminded of Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, pouting for his video camera with his todger tucked between his legs. Also helping the remarkably stupid doctor in his quest is the twelve-year-old girl who lives next door, who provides him with the first vital clue when she works out that the factories Firehead has been attacking could all produce components for MX rockets. Yep, it takes a schoolgirl to figure that one out. The hopelessly dim Hart still needs more info, and the only way to get it in a film like this is to break into a top secret installation and magically extract it from “the computer banks”. And to do that, Hart needs help from an old friend – Admiral Pendleton, US Navy, retired. We know immediately that he’s a good sort, because the first time we see him he’s chopping wood in the yard of his idyllic retreat, and because he’s played with avuncular warmth by Martin Landau. Pendleton delivers another convenient lump of exposition, while enjoying his first cup of coffee and cigar, and thus informed Hart is finally ready to do something for himself. Using Pendleton’s ID card to gain access to the secret files, he discovers that Colonel Vaughn is a member of the sinister Upper Order, an Illuminati-style organisation intent on kickstarting World War III. Cleverly deducing that Firehead is actually trying to stop this scheme, rather than being a part of it, Hart sets off to save the day. Of course, by using Pendleton’s ID card, Hart has put his old friend firmly in the frame and in the second of Landau’s scenes, he’s paid a visit by some hired goons while enjoying more coffee and yet another cigar. Just before they put a bullet in his skull, he blurts out some memorable last words – “Tell Vaughn he’s a horse’s ass” – and then he sensibly dies and leaves the viewer with precious little to look forward to for the next hour. Suffice to say that the remainder of this sorry yarn involves several high security installations guarded by an economical four guards, many over eager stuntmen hurling themselves into the air seconds before carefully placed barrels explode behind them and countless gunfights in which people fire wildly while standing five feet from each other. And as for Firehead himself? He’s almost entirely pointless. His superpower is never explained, and he spends most of the movie shooting guns and throwing bombs despite being able to shoot frickin’ laser beams out of his eyes. His contribution to the gripping climax is to lie unconscious on the floor while Hart takes on the tricky job of deactivating dozens of bombs rigged to blow up the President by simply pressing the solitary big red button on the detonator. All things considered, having received two cups of coffee, two cigars, a bullet in the face and an early bath, Landau gets off very lightly. Need to know: Chris Lemmon is the son of comedy legend Jack Lemmon, though his most high profile work was as Hulk Hogan’s sidekick on the shortlived series of TV movies, Thunder In Paradise. Christopher Plummer is, of course, most famous as the Von Trapp patriarch in The Sound of Music, though his list of credits both before and since is long and illustrious. He can also be found as another evil government spook in Dreamscape (see: Dennis Quaid) and, just for a change, on the receiving end of evil government spookery in the whimsical robot tragedy Prototype (see: David Morse). Honourable mentions: Other noteworthy oddities in the Landau filmography include the 1980 creature feature Without Warning, the 1981 crossover comedy Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan’s Island, and Cyclone, a 1987 superbike sci-fi flick from Fred Olen Ray (see: Jennifer Love Hewitt). Landau also had a voice role on the 1996 animated Spider-Man show, playing the villainous Scorpion. Availability: Firehead is, unsurprisingly, only available on second hand VHS.
Text © 2008 Dan Whitehead. No cut and paste, y'hear? All images remain the property of the offending studios and their reproduction is covered by Fair Use law.