Flicks of Shame: what's a nice actor like you doing in a movie like this?

Child of Darkness, Child of Light (1991)

Virgin births, eh? You wait two thousand years and then two come along at once. That’s the situation facing Vatican investigator Father Justin (“I’m like a church cop” he helpfully explains) when he’s tasked with picking up where his mentor, Father Rosetti, left off - verifying a pregnant virgin in Pennsylvania to see if she fulfils a secret prophecy.

Virgin inspection might be a job quite high on many men’s wishlist, but not these Catholic priests – Father Rosetti was driven off the road by two mysterious motorcyclists who then turned into ravens, and is now a drooling basket case. No, virgin testing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. “I’d rather play ice hockey blindfolded” quips Father Justin inexplicably, because despite the dog collar he’s clearly one of those ruggedly handsome and witty movie priests that always end up teamed with a sexy and feisty nun.

Having verified with the local doctor that the girl is indeed a virgin (in a conversation that makes more use of the phrase “vaginal tissue” than you really expect in a TV movie) the second part of the prophecy comes into play – there’s another knocked-up virgin in Boston, and according to legend one of these kids will be the Second Coming of Jesus, the other will be the Anti-Christ.

It’s now up to Father Justin, suddenly teamed up with a sexy and feisty nun, to figure out which is which before it’s too late.

It’s via the second virgin that we meet our rising star, the 20-year-old Josh Lucas in his first acting role, long before the likes of Sweet Home Alabama, Hulk and Poseidon put him on the fast track to blockbuster status. He plays John Jordan, the arrogant school cocksmith who claims to have impregnated virgin number two on prom night. Of course, it transpires that not only did she refuse to have the Lucas length anywhere near her; he couldn’t even get it up to start with. But, with a reputation to protect, he happily takes the credit for the mysterious seed that ends up doing the deed anyway.

The punishment for this fib is rather severe, as the movie has to spice up its trudging storyline by inflicting seemingly random deaths on the supporting cast. Swaggering John gets cut down in his prime by a brutally severe infection of both polio and multiple sclerosis. At the same time. In the middle of a lacrosse game. Maybe fate has a sense of humour after all.

As he croaks his last on the pitch, stage blood carefully painted on his cheek, he confides in Father Justin. “It feels like charley horses all over my body” he gasps. A rather unlikely epitaph, but an epitaph it is, for we never see Josh Lucas again, his charley-horsed corpse pronounced dead in an off-screen hospital moments later.

Even stranger, it’s at this point – about fifteen minutes from the end – where the movie goes insane. In a radically leftfield plot twist, it turns out that Father Justin, the hero of our tale, is actually the villain and is in league with Lucifer. Father Rosetti, the elderly basket case, is the real hero and he faked his mental breakdown in order to flush Justin out.
Things get weirder when Justin is killed by a bolt of lightning, and the doddering Rosetti embarks on a car chase to catch the feisty nun. She’s been turned to the dark side by Justin, and is escaping with the newborn Anti-Christ (born to the virgin in Pennsylvania, should you still care) in a transit van. They chase, they crash and Rosetti, the nun and the infant Anti-Christ all perish in the ensuing inferno. Or do they?

Heaping yet more hilarity upon the already demented denouement, we then leap forward ten years to a Catholic school. A portly nun is helping some children cross the road, when one of the boys stares at her with glowing red eyes, making her step in front of a speeding car. As the nun lies dying, another child – a girl this time, starts glowing yellow. The nun, bathed in the golden glow, comes back to life.

Yes, not only is the Second Coming of Christ a girl, but she’s at the same school as the Anti-Christ. The sitcom potential alone is enormous.

Need to know: As Josh Lucas is gasping about charley horses on the lacrosse field, keep your eyes peeled for a familiar face in the crowd of concerned school friends gathered around. Whose furrowed brow do we glimpse for all of two seconds? Why, it’s Brendan Fraser, star of The Mummy, also making his movie debut.

Availability: No DVD release for this movie, or even a recent VHS edition, so you’ll need to seek out a second-hand rental copy.

		Child of Darkness, Child of Light (1991) Virgin births, eh? You wait two thousand years and then two come along at once. That’s the situation facing Vatican investigator Father Justin (“I’m like a church cop” he helpfully explains) when he’s tasked with picking up where his mentor, Father Rosetti, left off - verifying a pregnant virgin in Pennsylvania to see if she fulfils a secret prophecy. Virgin inspection might be a job quite high on many men’s wishlist, but not these Catholic priests – Father Rosetti was driven off the road by two mysterious motorcyclists who then turned into ravens, and is now a drooling basket case. No, virgin testing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. “I’d rather play ice hockey blindfolded” quips Father Justin inexplicably, because despite the dog collar he’s clearly one of those ruggedly handsome and witty movie priests that always end up teamed with a sexy and feisty nun. Having verified with the local doctor that the girl is indeed a virgin (in a conversation that makes more use of the phrase “vaginal tissue” than you really expect in a TV movie) the second part of the prophecy comes into play – there’s another knocked-up virgin in Boston, and according to legend one of these kids will be the Second Coming of Jesus, the other will be the Anti-Christ. It’s now up to Father Justin, suddenly teamed up with a sexy and feisty nun, to figure out which is which before it’s too late. It’s via the second virgin that we meet our rising star, the 20-year-old Josh Lucas in his first acting role, long before the likes of Sweet Home Alabama, Hulk and Poseidon put him on the fast track to blockbuster status. He plays John Jordan, the arrogant school cocksmith who claims to have impregnated virgin number two on prom night. Of course, it transpires that not only did she refuse to have the Lucas length anywhere near her; he couldn’t even get it up to start with. But, with a reputation to protect, he happily takes the credit for the mysterious seed that ends up doing the deed anyway. The punishment for this fib is rather severe, as the movie has to spice up its trudging storyline by inflicting seemingly random deaths on the supporting cast. Swaggering John gets cut down in his prime by a brutally severe infection of both polio and multiple sclerosis. At the same time. In the middle of a lacrosse game. Maybe fate has a sense of humour after all. As he croaks his last on the pitch, stage blood carefully painted on his cheek, he confides in Father Justin. “It feels like charley horses all over my body” he gasps. A rather unlikely epitaph, but an epitaph it is, for we never see Josh Lucas again, his charley-horsed corpse pronounced dead in an off-screen hospital moments later. Even stranger, it’s at this point – about fifteen minutes from the end – where the movie goes insane. In a radically leftfield plot twist, it turns out that Father Justin, the hero of our tale, is actually the villain and is in league with Lucifer. Father Rosetti, the elderly basket case, is the real hero and he faked his mental breakdown in order to flush Justin out. Things get weirder when Justin is killed by a bolt of lightning, and the doddering Rosetti embarks on a car chase to catch the feisty nun. She’s been turned to the dark side by Justin, and is escaping with the newborn Anti-Christ (born to the virgin in Pennsylvania, should you still care) in a transit van. They chase, they crash and Rosetti, the nun and the infant Anti-Christ all perish in the ensuing inferno. Or do they? Heaping yet more hilarity upon the already demented denouement, we then leap forward ten years to a Catholic school. A portly nun is helping some children cross the road, when one of the boys stares at her with glowing red eyes, making her step in front of a speeding car. As the nun lies dying, another child – a girl this time, starts glowing yellow. The nun, bathed in the golden glow, comes back to life. Yes, not only is the Second Coming of Christ a girl, but she’s at the same school as the Anti-Christ. The sitcom potential alone is enormous. Need to know: As Josh Lucas is gasping about charley horses on the lacrosse field, keep your eyes peeled for a familiar face in the crowd of concerned school friends gathered around. Whose furrowed brow do we glimpse for all of two seconds? Why, it’s Brendan Fraser, star of The Mummy, also making his movie debut. Availability: No DVD release for this movie, or even a recent VHS edition, so you’ll need to seek out a second-hand rental copy.
Text © 2008 Dan Whitehead. No cut and paste, y'hear? All images remain the property of the offending studios and their reproduction is covered by Fair Use law.