Flicks of Shame: what's a nice actor like you doing in a movie like this?

Zombie High (1987)

Sister of Reservoir Dogs ear-slicer Michael Madsen, Virginia was one of the few B-list starlets of the Eighties who managed to evolve her image from blond strumpet to middle-aged sexbomb with some success.

Most recently she was showered with accolades for her performance in Alexander Payne’s ode to male bonding and posh booze, Sideways, and she also earned critical praise for her work in such respectable thrillers such as the segregation drama Ghosts of the Mississippi and the John Grisham adaptation, The Rainmaker.

But to see Ms. Madsen at her cheesy best you need to seek out this 1987 opus in which she plays one of the first female students at Ettinger High, a previously all-male private school. As the title subtly suggests, all is not well at this seat of higher learning – something Virginia soon discovers after she starts shagging her history teacher, the freakishly named Dr. Philo.

The reason so many of the students appear to be mindless drones is, of course, because the faculty members are hundreds of years old, and extract the brain-juices from their students to prolong their life. Not only do they devour the brain juices, but they replace them with a crystal that allows the teachers to control the kids via remote control. Why do they do this? Presumably so smart-arse writers can crack gags about Undead Poets Society twenty years later. It also leads to an amusing (possibly deliberately so) scene in which the zombified students perform a synchronised dance routine at the prom.

There’s no shortage of “monstrous teachers preying on kids” horror flicks out there, from the outrageously offensive (Class of 1984 – see: Michael J. Fox) to the blandly serious (Disturbing Behaviour – see: Katie Holmes), and Zombie High falls squarely on the daft end of that scale. It’s an awful movie, but not without its charm – largely because young Virginia (then a fresh-faced 24-year-old ingénue) puts in more effort than the writer or director ever did.

Need to know: Zombie High is also known as The School That Ate My Brain, a title that makes Zombie High look like the height of poetic restraint. It also starred Sherilyn Fenn (see: Charlie Sheen) an actress who has counterbalanced her well-received work in Twin Peaks with an absolute cavalcade of shite both before and since.

Honorable mentions: Virginia is no stranger to crap, having starred in the execrable Highlander 2: The Quickening, scientifically proven to be one of the worst films ever made. She’s even dipped a toe in decent horror once or twice with starring roles in the Clive Barker movie Candyman and The Prophecy (see: Viggo Mortensen). Neither of those make the grade as far as this book is concerned though, as they’re both intelligent and cool genre offerings.

Availability: Zombie High is unavailable on DVD, but second-hand VHS copies are reasonably easy to find online.

		Zombie High (1987) Sister of Reservoir Dogs ear-slicer Michael Madsen, Virginia was one of the few B-list starlets of the Eighties who managed to evolve her image from blond strumpet to middle-aged sexbomb with some success. Most recently she was showered with accolades for her performance in Alexander Payne’s ode to male bonding and posh booze, Sideways, and she also earned critical praise for her work in such respectable thrillers such as the segregation drama Ghosts of the Mississippi and the John Grisham adaptation, The Rainmaker. But to see Ms. Madsen at her cheesy best you need to seek out this 1987 opus in which she plays one of the first female students at Ettinger High, a previously all-male private school. As the title subtly suggests, all is not well at this seat of higher learning – something Virginia soon discovers after she starts shagging her history teacher, the freakishly named Dr. Philo. The reason so many of the students appear to be mindless drones is, of course, because the faculty members are hundreds of years old, and extract the brain-juices from their students to prolong their life. Not only do they devour the brain juices, but they replace them with a crystal that allows the teachers to control the kids via remote control. Why do they do this? Presumably so smart-arse writers can crack gags about Undead Poets Society twenty years later. It also leads to an amusing (possibly deliberately so) scene in which the zombified students perform a synchronised dance routine at the prom. There’s no shortage of “monstrous teachers preying on kids” horror flicks out there, from the outrageously offensive (Class of 1984 – see: Michael J. Fox) to the blandly serious (Disturbing Behaviour – see: Katie Holmes), and Zombie High falls squarely on the daft end of that scale. It’s an awful movie, but not without its charm – largely because young Virginia (then a fresh-faced 24-year-old ingénue) puts in more effort than the writer or director ever did. Need to know: Zombie High is also known as The School That Ate My Brain, a title that makes Zombie High look like the height of poetic restraint. It also starred Sherilyn Fenn (see: Charlie Sheen) an actress who has counterbalanced her well-received work in Twin Peaks with an absolute cavalcade of shite both before and since. Honorable mentions: Virginia is no stranger to crap, having starred in the execrable Highlander 2: The Quickening, scientifically proven to be one of the worst films ever made. She’s even dipped a toe in decent horror once or twice with starring roles in the Clive Barker movie Candyman and The Prophecy (see: Viggo Mortensen). Neither of those make the grade as far as this book is concerned though, as they’re both intelligent and cool genre offerings. Availability: Zombie High is unavailable on DVD, but second-hand VHS copies are reasonably easy to find online.
Text © 2008 Dan Whitehead. No cut and paste, y'hear? All images remain the property of the offending studios and their reproduction is covered by Fair Use law.