Flicks of Shame: what's a nice actor like you doing in a movie like this?

Making Mr. Right (1987)

Actors don’t come much more serious than John Malkovich, a theatrically-trained thespian whose icy, aloof and obtuse demeanour has graced many well respected dramas. Even his sporadic diversions into more populist popcorn, such as Con Air, hinge on his deliberate air of calculated disdain. He’s also probably the only actor alive whose public persona is impenetrable enough to inspire a hit genre-bending movie all of its own, in the shape of Being John Malkovich.

He is, let’s face it, the last guy you’d expect to see as the romantic lead in a broad Eighties comedy about a wacky lovesick android from the director of Desperately Seeking Susan.

And yet here we are.

Frankie Stone is our plucky heroine, and we know she’s a ker-azy Eighties chick right from the start, because she shaves her legs while driving and wears enormous plastic bangles that look like they belong in a modern sculpture installation.

She’s in PR, unsurprisingly, and when we meet her she’s just ditched her latest client – Congressman Steve Marcus – because he also happens to be her boyfriend, and a shitty philandering one at that. She’s also dreading her sister’s wedding (especially as Steve is also invited) and is putting a roof over the head of Trish, her ditzy best friend who has just split up with her himbo soap star boyfriend. Frankie’s life is an emotional mess, in other words.

Luckily, as Frankie strides purposefully down the hallway of her zany and colourful office, there’s a conveniently distracting project waiting for her in the boardroom, in the form of ChemTech. The secret research facility has created Ulysses, an advanced android designed to pilot a seven year deep space mission, but the government is going to cut their funding (though, as they’ve created a working artificial human, that doesn’t make much sense) and they need Frankie to make America fall in love with Ulysses (though, as it’s a secret government project, that doesn’t make much sense either).

Frankie takes the job, naturally, and heads over to ChemTech where she discovers that Ulysses is incredibly lifelike – well, he gropes her tits as soon as he meets her – and looks a hell of a lot like a young John Malkovich. Also looking like Malkovich is Dr. Jeff Peters, the repressed and geeky scientist who created Ulysses in his own image, and is also trying to fend off the advances of psychotically needy co-worker Sandy.

As Frankie sets about teaching the clumsy and childlike Ulysses to be the ideal man, Jeff becomes increasingly incensed at the pointless fluffy twaddle she’s putting into the head of his perfect android. Responding extremely well to Frankie’s human attention, Ulysses rebels and follows her into the outside world. There follows a painfully farcical morass of misunderstandings as Frankie passes Jeff off as her new boyfriend to make Steve jealous. Steve mistakes Ulysses for Jeff, Sandy mistakes Ulysses for Jeff, and – when he finally finds his way to Frankie’s apartment – the sex-mad Trish has sex with Ulysses thinking he’s Frankie’s cousin. Yes, the android Malkovich has a large (and apparently fully functional) synthetic penis.

By the time Frankie’s sister’s wedding rolls around the audience is smothered by yet more mistaken identities and contrived coincidence as Steve once again mistakes Ulysses for Jeff, while Trish’s soap star boyfriend turns up and shoves Ulysses into the band’s electrical equipment, short circuiting him and sending him toppling into the swimming pool.

Cut to a few days later, and this apparently minor incident has made the front page of every newspaper in America and Ulysses fever is suddenly gripping the nation. This is no comfort for Frankie, as Ulysses blasts off into space that very day, and judging from his cold performance at the launch press conference, all her hard work putting the soul in the machine has been erased. As the rocket sets off into the stratosphere, her feeble sobs are interrupted by someone at the door. Crivens! It’s frosty Dr. Jeff, proclaiming his love! Or is it?

That’s right, the cold human and the lovestruck android have found the solution to everyone’s woes. They’ve swapped places. Jeff gets to spend the next seven years strapped inside a small metal box, hurtling through the vacuum of space, slurping protein paste and presumably sitting in a growing pile of his own excrement, while Frankie gets to spend the rest of her life with a mentally inept artificial manchild and his synthetic cock.

Hey, it was the Eighties. That’s what passed for a happy ending back then.

Need to know: The role of Don, Trish’s alarmingly hairy soap star boyfriend, was played by Hart Bochner who can also be seen as the irritating jock boyfriend of Jamie Lee Curtis in Terror Train (see: David Copperfield).

Honourable mention: In what is surely one of the most surreal casting choices ever, John Malkovich also supplied the voice of Santa Claus in the animated TV movies, Santabear’s First Christmas and Santabear’s High Flying Adventure. The final part of the trilogy, Santabear’s Remorseless Reign Of Cold Calculated Evil, was never released.

Availability: Making Mr. Right is available on DVD in the UK and US.

		Making Mr. Right (1987) Actors don’t come much more serious than John Malkovich, a theatrically-trained thespian whose icy, aloof and obtuse demeanour has graced many well respected dramas. Even his sporadic diversions into more populist popcorn, such as Con Air, hinge on his deliberate air of calculated disdain. He’s also probably the only actor alive whose public persona is impenetrable enough to inspire a hit genre-bending movie all of its own, in the shape of Being John Malkovich. He is, let’s face it, the last guy you’d expect to see as the romantic lead in a broad Eighties comedy about a wacky lovesick android from the director of Desperately Seeking Susan. And yet here we are. Frankie Stone is our plucky heroine, and we know she’s a ker-azy Eighties chick right from the start, because she shaves her legs while driving and wears enormous plastic bangles that look like they belong in a modern sculpture installation. She’s in PR, unsurprisingly, and when we meet her she’s just ditched her latest client – Congressman Steve Marcus – because he also happens to be her boyfriend, and a shitty philandering one at that. She’s also dreading her sister’s wedding (especially as Steve is also invited) and is putting a roof over the head of Trish, her ditzy best friend who has just split up with her himbo soap star boyfriend. Frankie’s life is an emotional mess, in other words. Luckily, as Frankie strides purposefully down the hallway of her zany and colourful office, there’s a conveniently distracting project waiting for her in the boardroom, in the form of ChemTech. The secret research facility has created Ulysses, an advanced android designed to pilot a seven year deep space mission, but the government is going to cut their funding (though, as they’ve created a working artificial human, that doesn’t make much sense) and they need Frankie to make America fall in love with Ulysses (though, as it’s a secret government project, that doesn’t make much sense either). Frankie takes the job, naturally, and heads over to ChemTech where she discovers that Ulysses is incredibly lifelike – well, he gropes her tits as soon as he meets her – and looks a hell of a lot like a young John Malkovich. Also looking like Malkovich is Dr. Jeff Peters, the repressed and geeky scientist who created Ulysses in his own image, and is also trying to fend off the advances of psychotically needy co-worker Sandy. As Frankie sets about teaching the clumsy and childlike Ulysses to be the ideal man, Jeff becomes increasingly incensed at the pointless fluffy twaddle she’s putting into the head of his perfect android. Responding extremely well to Frankie’s human attention, Ulysses rebels and follows her into the outside world. There follows a painfully farcical morass of misunderstandings as Frankie passes Jeff off as her new boyfriend to make Steve jealous. Steve mistakes Ulysses for Jeff, Sandy mistakes Ulysses for Jeff, and – when he finally finds his way to Frankie’s apartment – the sex-mad Trish has sex with Ulysses thinking he’s Frankie’s cousin. Yes, the android Malkovich has a large (and apparently fully functional) synthetic penis. By the time Frankie’s sister’s wedding rolls around the audience is smothered by yet more mistaken identities and contrived coincidence as Steve once again mistakes Ulysses for Jeff, while Trish’s soap star boyfriend turns up and shoves Ulysses into the band’s electrical equipment, short circuiting him and sending him toppling into the swimming pool. Cut to a few days later, and this apparently minor incident has made the front page of every newspaper in America and Ulysses fever is suddenly gripping the nation. This is no comfort for Frankie, as Ulysses blasts off into space that very day, and judging from his cold performance at the launch press conference, all her hard work putting the soul in the machine has been erased. As the rocket sets off into the stratosphere, her feeble sobs are interrupted by someone at the door. Crivens! It’s frosty Dr. Jeff, proclaiming his love! Or is it? That’s right, the cold human and the lovestruck android have found the solution to everyone’s woes. They’ve swapped places. Jeff gets to spend the next seven years strapped inside a small metal box, hurtling through the vacuum of space, slurping protein paste and presumably sitting in a growing pile of his own excrement, while Frankie gets to spend the rest of her life with a mentally inept artificial manchild and his synthetic cock. Hey, it was the Eighties. That’s what passed for a happy ending back then. Need to know: The role of Don, Trish’s alarmingly hairy soap star boyfriend, was played by Hart Bochner who can also be seen as the irritating jock boyfriend of Jamie Lee Curtis in Terror Train (see: David Copperfield). Honourable mention: In what is surely one of the most surreal casting choices ever, John Malkovich also supplied the voice of Santa Claus in the animated TV movies, Santabear’s First Christmas and Santabear’s High Flying Adventure. The final part of the trilogy, Santabear’s Remorseless Reign Of Cold Calculated Evil, was never released. Availability: Making Mr. Right is available on DVD in the UK and US.
Text © 2008 Dan Whitehead. No cut and paste, y'hear? All images remain the property of the offending studios and their reproduction is covered by Fair Use law.