Flicks of Shame: what's a nice actor like you doing in a movie like this?

Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror (1998)

In this, yet another of the apparently infinite Children of the Corn movies, we follow a bunch of rowdy American youths as they head deep into the heartland of their great nation in order to scatter the ashes of their mutual friend, Kurt, who died in a bungee-jumping accident. Despite what this hilariously random scenario might suggest, the movie is utterly serious. Tediously so, in fact.

Leading the way on this giddy voyage into corn country is bawdy cowboy type Laszlo and his giggling girlfriend. They strap inflatable sex dolls to signposts and petrol pumps along the way to guide the other four merry travellers who are following behind with the dessicated remains of Kurt in an urn. Obviously, flagrant misuse of sex dolls doesn’t go down too well with the creepy corn-worshipping kids who live around these parts, and before you can say “cheap shot to get the audience’s attention” both Laszlo and his lady friend have been hacked to death with scythes.

We then cut to car number two, which contains Allison (a sensible girl, and therefore the one who’ll survive the movie), Greg (sarcastic guy), Tyrus (dumb hunk with bizarre name) and Kir (Dead Kurt’s vain girlfriend). It’s Kir who gives us our first glimpse at the up and coming Eva Mendes, then a tantalising three years away from finding fame opposite Denzel Washington in Training Day. She’s sassy. She’s selfish. She’s so very doomed.

The bickering foursome come off the road in the middle of a huge cornfield and are swiftly pointed in the direction of the nearest town by the creepy corn-worshipping kids – who have now inexplicably decided not to murder people with scythes the minute they find them.
In the town – which conveniently turns out to be Kurt’s old stamping ground – the quartet manage to offend the local bartender by pointing out the horrendous smell lingering in the air (the result of a fire burning in a nearby corn silo for the past few months, he explains with an unusual level of detail) and cross paths with the local sheriff, who rather unhelpfully points them to a busstop where the last bus out of town is just leaving.

They head back to the car, only to find it on fire, and so set up camp in an old abandoned house nearby. It’s now that Allison reveals that her long lost brother Jacob took up with a corn-worshipping cult round these parts, a revelation that makes you wonder if the name of this town isn’t Coincidenceville USA. Unperturbed by the destruction of their car, the nightime discovery of Laszlo’s mangled corpse, or by the fact that Kir happily hops into bed with Tyrus, the gang set off the very next day to find the creepy corn kids and Allison’s brother. It’s while Allison meets with the cult leader, Luke (David Carradine), that Kir is chatted up by a strapping young corn-worshipping stud. He suggests the answer to her terrible grief would be to worship He Who Walks Behind The Rows, the ill-defined deity that ties this woeful franchise together.

Allison comes away without her brother, but he gives her a copy of the Corn People Holy Book (which seems as good a name as any) in which he’s scribbled a hasty note – and the first letters of each line spell “HELP”. It’s his 18th birthday the very next day and, according to Corn People Law, you must celebrate this milestone by throwing yourself into the blazing corn silo. It’s at this point that Jacob realises this whole “worshipping corn” deal isn’t working out for him, and he legs it into the cornfield, pursued by howling scythe-wielding kids. But He Who Walks Behind The Rows must be appeased – who will turn eighteen next? Up steps Kir who, having flicked through the book is now a willing and inexplicable convert to the ways of the corn. She’s also clearly a lot older than eighteen but, with five films under his belt, the Corn God clearly ain’t that fussy. So Kir ascends the silo, peers down into the inferno beneath – and jumps.

Thus ends Eva Mendes’ journey into shitty Stephen King sequel territory, while the audience must endure a further twenty minutes of people running around and screaming in dark barns and fields, a lot more scything and a very stupid finale in which Allison finally defeats He Who Blah Blah Blah by throwing a makeshift firebomb into the silo. Wouldn’t this actually spread the fire – and therefore the corn demon – further? Well, yes. In theory. It’s a Children of the Corn sequel. You were expecting logic?

Need to know: Children of the Corn V features a smattering of peripherally famous people in small roles. Greg is played by Alexis Arquette, brother of Rosanna, Patricia and David, who he briefly appeared with in The Killing Box (see: Matt Le Blanc). The town sheriff is played by blaxploitation legend Fred Williamson, while the bartender is Kane Hodder, the stuntman turned actor who played Jason Voorhees in the later Friday the 13th movies. Also lurking in the cast are two of Frank Zappa’s kids – Ahmet Zappa plays the scythe-bound Laszlo, while Diva Zappa plays “Drill Girl”.

Honorable mentions: Eva Mendes followed Fields of Terror with the equally ridiculous Urban Legends: Final Cut and an episode of the Mortal Kombat TV series. Once she broke through with Training Day, she never looked back and clocked up turns in hits like 2 Fast 2 Furious, Once Upon A Time In Mexico, Stuck On You and finally made it to the big leagues when she starred opposite Will Smith in Hitch.

Availability: Children of the Corn V is easy to find on DVD or VHS.

		Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror (1998) In this, yet another of the apparently infinite Children of the Corn movies, we follow a bunch of rowdy American youths as they head deep into the heartland of their great nation in order to scatter the ashes of their mutual friend, Kurt, who died in a bungee-jumping accident. Despite what this hilariously random scenario might suggest, the movie is utterly serious. Tediously so, in fact. Leading the way on this giddy voyage into corn country is bawdy cowboy type Laszlo and his giggling girlfriend. They strap inflatable sex dolls to signposts and petrol pumps along the way to guide the other four merry travellers who are following behind with the dessicated remains of Kurt in an urn. Obviously, flagrant misuse of sex dolls doesn’t go down too well with the creepy corn-worshipping kids who live around these parts, and before you can say “cheap shot to get the audience’s attention” both Laszlo and his lady friend have been hacked to death with scythes. We then cut to car number two, which contains Allison (a sensible girl, and therefore the one who’ll survive the movie), Greg (sarcastic guy), Tyrus (dumb hunk with bizarre name) and Kir (Dead Kurt’s vain girlfriend). It’s Kir who gives us our first glimpse at the up and coming Eva Mendes, then a tantalising three years away from finding fame opposite Denzel Washington in Training Day. She’s sassy. She’s selfish. She’s so very doomed. The bickering foursome come off the road in the middle of a huge cornfield and are swiftly pointed in the direction of the nearest town by the creepy corn-worshipping kids – who have now inexplicably decided not to murder people with scythes the minute they find them. In the town – which conveniently turns out to be Kurt’s old stamping ground – the quartet manage to offend the local bartender by pointing out the horrendous smell lingering in the air (the result of a fire burning in a nearby corn silo for the past few months, he explains with an unusual level of detail) and cross paths with the local sheriff, who rather unhelpfully points them to a busstop where the last bus out of town is just leaving. They head back to the car, only to find it on fire, and so set up camp in an old abandoned house nearby. It’s now that Allison reveals that her long lost brother Jacob took up with a corn-worshipping cult round these parts, a revelation that makes you wonder if the name of this town isn’t Coincidenceville USA. Unperturbed by the destruction of their car, the nightime discovery of Laszlo’s mangled corpse, or by the fact that Kir happily hops into bed with Tyrus, the gang set off the very next day to find the creepy corn kids and Allison’s brother. It’s while Allison meets with the cult leader, Luke (David Carradine), that Kir is chatted up by a strapping young corn-worshipping stud. He suggests the answer to her terrible grief would be to worship He Who Walks Behind The Rows, the ill-defined deity that ties this woeful franchise together. Allison comes away without her brother, but he gives her a copy of the Corn People Holy Book (which seems as good a name as any) in which he’s scribbled a hasty note – and the first letters of each line spell “HELP”. It’s his 18th birthday the very next day and, according to Corn People Law, you must celebrate this milestone by throwing yourself into the blazing corn silo. It’s at this point that Jacob realises this whole “worshipping corn” deal isn’t working out for him, and he legs it into the cornfield, pursued by howling scythe-wielding kids. But He Who Walks Behind The Rows must be appeased – who will turn eighteen next? Up steps Kir who, having flicked through the book is now a willing and inexplicable convert to the ways of the corn. She’s also clearly a lot older than eighteen but, with five films under his belt, the Corn God clearly ain’t that fussy. So Kir ascends the silo, peers down into the inferno beneath – and jumps. Thus ends Eva Mendes’ journey into shitty Stephen King sequel territory, while the audience must endure a further twenty minutes of people running around and screaming in dark barns and fields, a lot more scything and a very stupid finale in which Allison finally defeats He Who Blah Blah Blah by throwing a makeshift firebomb into the silo. Wouldn’t this actually spread the fire – and therefore the corn demon – further? Well, yes. In theory. It’s a Children of the Corn sequel. You were expecting logic? Need to know: Children of the Corn V features a smattering of peripherally famous people in small roles. Greg is played by Alexis Arquette, brother of Rosanna, Patricia and David, who he briefly appeared with in The Killing Box (see: Matt Le Blanc). The town sheriff is played by blaxploitation legend Fred Williamson, while the bartender is Kane Hodder, the stuntman turned actor who played Jason Voorhees in the later Friday the 13th movies. Also lurking in the cast are two of Frank Zappa’s kids – Ahmet Zappa plays the scythe-bound Laszlo, while Diva Zappa plays “Drill Girl”. Honorable mentions: Eva Mendes followed Fields of Terror with the equally ridiculous Urban Legends: Final Cut and an episode of the Mortal Kombat TV series. Once she broke through with Training Day, she never looked back and clocked up turns in hits like 2 Fast 2 Furious, Once Upon A Time In Mexico, Stuck On You and finally made it to the big leagues when she starred opposite Will Smith in Hitch. Availability: Children of the Corn V is easy to find on DVD or VHS.
Text © 2008 Dan Whitehead. No cut and paste, y'hear? All images remain the property of the offending studios and their reproduction is covered by Fair Use law.