Flicks of Shame: what's a nice actor like you doing in a movie like this?

The Final Terror (1983)

A boisterous group of young bucks prepare to head off into the wilderness to pull some sticks out of a stream. It’s OK, they’re some sort of troupe of trainee forest rangers, and this is what they do. Their leader, Mike, is planning to use the trip to make some quality rutting time with his girlfriend, Melanie, and she’s going to bring along some of her nubile gal pals to join in the fun.

Oh, what a merry time they’ll have!

The predictable fly in the ointment is Eggar, the socially awkward recruit who’ll be driving their bus o’ lust to its forest destination, and arranging their voyage home on some white water rafts. Eggar really doesn’t like the boorish and handsome young studs he’s forced to look after, and he gets even more narked when they recount the local urban myth about a local girl who, raped by her father, gave birth to an illegitimate son while in an asylum. The story goes that the boy returned to the asylum as an adult, and set his demented mother free to live in the woods. Eggar gets suspiciously skittish around this campfire yarn.

Can you guess who goes nuts and starts bumping off his companions?
That’s right, it’s psycho boy Eggar, played here with feverish intensity (and a hilarious good ol’ boy accent) by Joe Pantoliano, shortly before taking the bad guy role in The Goonies and many years away from his more memorable turns in The Matrix, Memento, both Bad Boys movies, Daredevil and, of course, The Sopranos.

Also in the cast is a very young Daryl Hannah, fresh from her small role in Blade Runner but still a year away from her star-making role in Splash. She gets about two lines and is saddled with a character called Windy. To make matters worse, both she and Pantoliano are billed way beneath Adrian Zmed, then briefly famous for playing William Shatner’s sidekick on T.J. Hooker. Things, as they say, could only get better.

Bizarrely, for a post Friday the 13th slasher, the body count in this flick is depressingly feeble. Nominal group leaders Mike and Melanie get stabbed to pieces while enjoying – what else? – a spot of outdoors humping, but everyone else makes it to the final showdown depressingly intact. As you can imagine, this makes for a tediously uneventful ninety minutes, with lots of blundering around a dark forest, periodic bouts of screaming and lots of hushed discussions about how a bunch of fit, healthy young people can best escape from a solitary wimpy killer.

Except, in true dumb slasher style, there’s a twist. Or, at least, a semi-twist. Remember the urban myth? About the bastard son and the nutty mother? Yes, Eggar is the son in question – and the killings are actually the work of his deranged mummy, played by an obvious stuntman clad in rags and a laughable “old lady” wig.

After the kids successfully trap and batter Eggar to a pulp, she comes thundering out of the undergrowth – and gets promptly felled by a swinging log trap that impales her and leaves her swaying above the bloodied corpse of poor Joe Pantoliano like some mad old lady pendulum.

Need to know: The Final Terror was an early effort by director Andrew Davis, who would go on to bring us Under Siege, The Fugitive and Collateral Damage. The story, such as it is, was co-credited to Ronald Shusett, who famously co-wrote Alien and (less famously) wrote Freejack (see: Anthony Hopkins). Mark Metcalf, who played the slaughtered Mike, might be familiar to TV audiences – he also played the super villainous Master on the first season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The Final Terror was banned in Sweden (presumably for reasons of tedium rather than gore) and has also been released as Campsite Massacre, Carnivore, The Forest Primeval and Bump In The Night.

Availability: The Final Terror can be found on DVD.

		The Final Terror (1983) A boisterous group of young bucks prepare to head off into the wilderness to pull some sticks out of a stream. It’s OK, they’re some sort of troupe of trainee forest rangers, and this is what they do. Their leader, Mike, is planning to use the trip to make some quality rutting time with his girlfriend, Melanie, and she’s going to bring along some of her nubile gal pals to join in the fun. Oh, what a merry time they’ll have! The predictable fly in the ointment is Eggar, the socially awkward recruit who’ll be driving their bus o’ lust to its forest destination, and arranging their voyage home on some white water rafts. Eggar really doesn’t like the boorish and handsome young studs he’s forced to look after, and he gets even more narked when they recount the local urban myth about a local girl who, raped by her father, gave birth to an illegitimate son while in an asylum. The story goes that the boy returned to the asylum as an adult, and set his demented mother free to live in the woods. Eggar gets suspiciously skittish around this campfire yarn. Can you guess who goes nuts and starts bumping off his companions? That’s right, it’s psycho boy Eggar, played here with feverish intensity (and a hilarious good ol’ boy accent) by Joe Pantoliano, shortly before taking the bad guy role in The Goonies and many years away from his more memorable turns in The Matrix, Memento, both Bad Boys movies, Daredevil and, of course, The Sopranos. Also in the cast is a very young Daryl Hannah, fresh from her small role in Blade Runner but still a year away from her star-making role in Splash. She gets about two lines and is saddled with a character called Windy. To make matters worse, both she and Pantoliano are billed way beneath Adrian Zmed, then briefly famous for playing William Shatner’s sidekick on T.J. Hooker. Things, as they say, could only get better. Bizarrely, for a post Friday the 13th slasher, the body count in this flick is depressingly feeble. Nominal group leaders Mike and Melanie get stabbed to pieces while enjoying – what else? – a spot of outdoors humping, but everyone else makes it to the final showdown depressingly intact. As you can imagine, this makes for a tediously uneventful ninety minutes, with lots of blundering around a dark forest, periodic bouts of screaming and lots of hushed discussions about how a bunch of fit, healthy young people can best escape from a solitary wimpy killer. Except, in true dumb slasher style, there’s a twist. Or, at least, a semi-twist. Remember the urban myth? About the bastard son and the nutty mother? Yes, Eggar is the son in question – and the killings are actually the work of his deranged mummy, played by an obvious stuntman clad in rags and a laughable “old lady” wig. After the kids successfully trap and batter Eggar to a pulp, she comes thundering out of the undergrowth – and gets promptly felled by a swinging log trap that impales her and leaves her swaying above the bloodied corpse of poor Joe Pantoliano like some mad old lady pendulum. Need to know: The Final Terror was an early effort by director Andrew Davis, who would go on to bring us Under Siege, The Fugitive and Collateral Damage. The story, such as it is, was co-credited to Ronald Shusett, who famously co-wrote Alien and (less famously) wrote Freejack (see: Anthony Hopkins). Mark Metcalf, who played the slaughtered Mike, might be familiar to TV audiences – he also played the super villainous Master on the first season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The Final Terror was banned in Sweden (presumably for reasons of tedium rather than gore) and has also been released as Campsite Massacre, Carnivore, The Forest Primeval and Bump In The Night. Availability: The Final Terror can be found on DVD.
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