Before we even begin on this
one, you should know this much – Hercules
In New York is one of the worst movies ever made. That’s not hyperbole.
It truly is one of the shoddiest films to ever get a legitimate release.
Think Ed Wood’s Plan 9 from Outer Space…and then lower your
expectations a few notches.
It’s not just that the movie is cheesy, or silly, or features the
one-time World’s Biggest Movie Star in an excruciating debut role.
No, the movie is actually physically inept. Technically disastrous. Hopelessly
awful on every conceivable level. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Arnie stars as Hercules, the half-mortal son of Zeus, king of the Greek
gods. He’s a troublesome lad, arrogant and cocksure, and he takes
great pleasure in interfering in mortal affairs, much to the chagrin
of his all-powerful dad. After demanding yet again that he be allowed
to visit Earth, Zeus finally just lobs a thunderbolt at the great big
lummox – and knocks him off Mount Olympus and down to Earth. Which
is where he wanted to be. Not the most effective punishment.
Hercules is fished out of the sea by a merchant ship and taken to New
York. After beating up the entire crew in a brawl that consists of stunt
men running towards him, one at a time, while Arnie flails his fists
like some big beefy windmill, he meets up with Pretzi, an insecure pretzel
salesman, and begins demonstrating his incredible strength. He overturns
a taxi rather than pay the fare. He shames athletes practising in Central
Park with his discus, javelin and long jump skills. Later, he even punches
an escaped bear into submission – or at least someone dressed in
a shabby bear costume.
All of this brings him to the attention of Professor
Camden, a specialist in mythology who never once twigs that Hercules
is the real deal thus making his field of expertise just one of many
redundant plot points, and his attractive daughter, Helen. Even though
their first encounter leads Hercules to crack the ribs of her boyfriend – in
her own lounge, no less - and despite the fact that he thinks he’s
a Greek god and is therefore clearly a potentially dangerous lunatic,
Helen inexplicably starts dating Hercules. Her boyfriend doesn’t
seem to mind – he even pops up later to say “I kind of like
him, even though he cracked my ribs.”
Eventually Hercules becomes a star of the wrestling ring (though
we never actually see him take part in a wrestling match – far
too expensive) and attracts interest from the mob. They muscle
Pretzi out of the way,
and take huge bets on Hercules beating a circus strong man, Monstro,
in a televised weight-lifting contest. Naturally, this coincides
with some Olympian skulduggery leaving Hercules powerless and he
loses the
contest.
There then follows a baffling chase involving a chariot,
several cars and more overcranked footage than every Benny Hill
Show ever made.
It climaxes with a rather feeble fight in a warehouse as dozens of
mobsters (all of them apparently from some secret mafia sub-section
that doesn’t
carry guns) engage in a fist fight with the human-strength Hercules
until he’s helped out by Samson (who more alert readers will
spot as a biblical character, not known for his role in Greek mythology)
and
Atlas (who is supposed to be holding the world up – he must
be on a job share scheme). Just when Hercules seems sure to be beaten,
Zeus
relents, gives Hercules his godly powers back and everything is wrapped
up neatly. If by “neatly” you mean “pushing some
barrels over onto the bad guys”.
In a touching denouement, Hercules takes Pretzi to the top of the Empire
State Building and, as soon as his back is turned, zips back to Olympus
without so much as a goodbye. Pretzi is understandably heartbroken,
losing both his friend and his livelihood in an instant, thus making
Hercules
the cruellest fair-weather friend since The Littlest Hobo. Roll credits.
It’s difficult to know where to begin on the failings of Hercules
In New York. It’s cheap, for one thing. Many of the movies in this
book were made on shoestring budgets, but only Hercules In New York looks
like it was filmed by a monkey with a Betamax camcorder. Arnie himself
manages to make his recent acting look Oscar-grade with an immobile face
and a lack of grace in the fight scenes that makes him look not unlike
a wardrobe in pants. To add to the generally surreal atmosphere of the
movie, there’s a constant soundtrack of jaunty Greek folk music,
giving the impression that the viewer is trapped at some sort of hellish
never-ending moussaka buffet. Scenes lurch between daytime and night
seemingly at random, characters appear and disappear for no apparent
reason and – best of all – during the scenes set in the
supposedly tranquil gardens of Mount Olympus, you can clearly hear
New York traffic
revving and honking in the background.
Seriously, nothing can prepare you for how terrible this movie is,
and for how abysmal Arnie is. It is, of course, an absolute must-see.
Need to know: As this was Arnie’s first ever film role, made seven
years before Pumping Iron and nearly fifteen years before The Terminator,
the producers were unconvinced that American audiences were ready for
a muscle-bound hero with an Austrian accent and a surname that looked
like an explosion in a Scrabble factory. That’s why early versions
of the film not only credited him under the subtle pseudonym “Arnold
Strong”, but dubbed his voice with that of an anonymous American
actor. Also if, when watching the movie, you think that the actor playing
Pretzi looks and sounds like a cartoon character, you’re right – he’s
Arnold Stang, the voice of scheming cartoon feline, Top Cat. Officer
Dibble, sadly, does not cameo.
Availability: Hercules In New York is easy to find on DVD and VHS.
The DVD version even allows you to choose between the dubbed version,
or
Arnie’s original acting efforts. Both are equally hilarious.
