There’s really only one thing truly scary about this cheesy Seventies
black magic potboiler, and that’s the eerie way that Tom Selleck
seems to have aged roughly ten years since making it, as if his metabolism
is working in some sort of reverse dog years. His features may be more
boyish than rugged here, but the famous moustache is as bushy and heroic
as ever, and if it weren’t for the prevalence of mustard yellow
shirts and brown slacks you could easily mistake it for something The
Artist Formerly Known As Magnum made last year.
In actual fact, Selleck was just 27 when he starred in this daft witchcraft
yarn, appearing as James Robertson, an American art dealer recently settled
with his simpering wife, Chris, in the South American countryside just
outside of Manila. He’s there to pick up local artefacts and ship
them back to American museums and galleries. She’s there to wear
chiffon and flounce around their palatial villa.
On one of his art-hunting expeditions, James finds a painting of a 16th
century witch burning. The witch in the centre looks like his wife so,
as you do, he buys it and brings it home as a lovely surprise. For some
strange reason Chris isn’t terribly enamoured with a portrait of
herself being burned at the stake, but her unease isn’t just due
to her husband’s lousy eye for gifts. No, she knows there’s
something terribly wrong with the painting…and she’s right.
The painting contains the spirits of the toasted witches, and as Chris
is the reincarnation of her painted double she’s soon being taken
over by her ancient evil counterpart. The other two witches are also
in the neighbourhood – one takes a job as their housekeeper, and
brings along a devil dog called Nicodemus into the bargain, while the
other is a fellow patient of Chris’ psychiatrist (what, you didn’t
think she’d be in therapy?). Together the trio begin trying to
kill James because – crikey – he’s the reincarnation
of the Inquisitor who had them killed in the first place. Really, what
are the chances?
Of course, like any sensible woman, Chris wrestles continually with the
tricky choice between Satan and Selleck. She flakes out of the chance
to stab James with a ceremonial knife while on a picnic, and her attempts
to kill him with poison gas are foiled when he simply breaks the window
and gulps down glorious fresh air. The other witches grow restless and
- after the obligatory topless whipping scene required by all Seventies
black magic thrillers – they agree on the perfect scheme.
James
is drugged and driven to the top of a mountain, where he’s placed
in his car and pointed at a sheer drop. Blocks of ice are wedged under
the wheels, and the witches hurry back to the local bar for margheritas
and salsa while they wait for their inexplicably contrived scheme to
take its course. The ice melts and we see the car tumble over the cliff,
exploding in a fireball. Back in the bar, the trio find themselves confused – how
did they get there? Why are they sitting with strangers? Their deed done,
the witches spirits have departed, it seems.
Chris heads home, troubled by the nagging feeling that she’s let
her husband down in some way. Maybe she didn’t iron his shirts,
burned his dinner…or plunged him over a precipice. The nagging
doubt eats away at her until - surprise! – James is there waiting
for her at home, safe and sound. He hurriedly explains how he jumped
out of the car just in time and they retire to the study for some hot
Selleck sex action. But, as he clambers all over her, Chris casually
reaches behind the sofa, brings out a enormous (and convenient) knife
and stabs the heck out of her hapless hubby as the credits roll. The
final score: Witches 1, Magnum 0.
Need to know: The man behind the camera for Selleck’s satanic swansong
was Hollingsworth Morse, a veteran TV director with credits stretching
from The Lone Ranger in the Forties up to The Fall Guy in the Eighties.
It was written by John C. Higgins, who also penned the Adam West sci-fi
classic, Robinson Crusoe On Mars.
Availability: Daughters of Satan is available on budget DVD in the UK.
