Once the sensitive proto-goth
member of the almighty Brat Pack, Ally Sheedy enjoyed a blissful run
of superstardom in the mid-Eighties as
an integral member of the hottest clique in Tinseltown. Starting with
WarGames in 1983, she swiftly followed up with such seminal Eighties
fare as Oxford Blues, The Breakfast Club and St. Elmo’s Fire. In
1986 she headlined Short Circuit, starring opposite a cute robot called
Johnny Five and a smarmy Steve called Guttenberg, but from there onwards
it was a slow spiral into oblivion, with only the equally doomed careers
of Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy for company.
How low did she go? In 1993 she starred in this wonderfully high concept
slice of nonsense, essentially a remake of Short Circuit with the wise-cracking
robot replaced, of course, by a bone-cracking monster dog.
Sheedy stars as Lori Tanner, an ambitious news reporter trapped doing
fluffy fashion reports. When an employee of EMAX, a nearby vivisection
lab, promises to grant her access to the expose of the year, Lori grabs
the opportunity with the sort of relish that only a career-hungry TV
reporter can muster.
Unfortunately, before she can sneak our heroine into the facility, Lori’s
contact is savagely ripped to shreds by some unseen beast - though given
the title and concept of the movie, the culprit isn’t that difficult
to identify. Creeping into the lab regardless, Lori and her reluctant
camerawoman begin to document the often hilarious animal abuses within.
Rabbits with no ears. A monkey with wires in his brain. Twenty butterflies
stapled together in a circle. OK, maybe not the last one – but
they have got a tiger and a bear, and that proves this is more than your
traditional “rubbing shampoo in kitten’s eyes” workshop.
“What sort of person could do something like this?” Lori ponders
aloud as she surveys the poor critters.
Lance Henriksen, that’s who. Alarm bells should already be ringing
for anyone with a passing knowledge of straight-to-video monster movies.
In what scientists now refer to as The Henriksen Principle, any and all
research into genetically improving man, mineral or animal with the craggy
visage of Lance at the helm is doomed to end in violent, bloody death
(see: Giovanni Ribisi).
Sure enough, Lori is discovered and flees the scene – followed
by an adorable big soppy dog called Max, liberated from his cage in a
last minute spurt of PETA-esque whimsy. But Max is no normal pooch. He’s
a genetically engineered killing machine, his DNA spliced with desirable
traits drawn from throughout the animal kingdom. He has the night vision
of an owl, the strength of a bear, even the camouflage abilities of a
chameleon. A diet of drugs has kept him placid, but now he’s loose
it’s only a matter of time before he turns completely psychotic.
Tick tock, tick tock.
Lori’s husband, Perry, is understandably glum about the enormous
hairy barking machine that has appeared in his home and formed an obsessive
bond with his wife, so it’s not long before Max starts to show
his true colours, chewing through Perry’s brake lines in a failed
attempt to eliminate the competition. Sadly, the movie never explains
which animal DNA contains a working knowledge of automobile hydraulics,
but then nor does it explain why Max’s piss can burn fire hydrants,
so let’s not get too fussy.
Things go from bad to worse, and the film can’t seem to decide
if it’s a jaunty suburban sitcom about an unruly pet or a brutal
flesh-rending horror story about a hairy engine of savage destruction.
Ho ho! See how Max pulls the young boy on rollerskates along the road!
How cute! He’s flushing the toilet like people! Tee hee! Look at
him swallow a cat in one gulp! Ha ha! And now he’s ripping the
throat out of the mailman and burying the corpse under the house! There’s
even a scene in which Max breaks into the neighbouring house and rapes
a pedigree collie - to the strains of the Paul Anka hit, Puppy Love.
Now that’s classy.
With the cops and Lance Henriksen closing in, Lori decides the best thing
to do is to give Max away so they won’t find him. Handing him over
to a clearly sadistic junkyard owner, Lori heads home to discover that
dear husband has already bought her a proper replacement dog – a
cute little puppy that has a fondness for playing with electrical plugs,
an utterly random fact which smells very much like clumsy narrative foreshadowing.
Max naturally escapes from his cruel new owner, biting his balls off
in the process, and turns up at Lori’s house in a seriously bad
mood. He sprays hot acid piss on Perry’s face, and then leads the
cops and a pair of slapstick dog catchers on a merry chase through the
neighbourhood, vaulting over speeding cars and using his not-entirely-logical
cloaking device to hide in a garage, disguised as a pile of trash. Then
he returns to the house at night, slaughters all the cops and pursues
Lori, Lance Henriksen and the cute little puppy back to the EMAX labs.
Max
launches himself at his creator with murder in mind, Henriksen blasts
Max with a shotgun, but is shoved through a window by sheer momentum
and onto a metal cage in the process. The cute puppy with a fondness
for chewing on plugs then, conveniently, chews on a nearby plug causing
electrical current to course through the cage, electrocuting Henriksen
and Max alike. That’s right – the menacing superbeast is
finally felled by an innocent and playful pup with a plug fetish. Hell
of a way to go.
Of course, this being a cheesy monster flick, that’s not the end.
Remember the hilarious dog rape from earlier? A “three months later” caption
is all the transition we need to witness the arrival of a new litter
of puppies…one of which is a hulking brute. Well, as hulking and
brutish as a newborn puppy can be. Was this the cue for Man’s Best
Friend 2: Bark Harder? Sadly, no. The budding franchise was promptly
sent to doggy heaven by the movie veterinarian.
Need to know: Man’s Best Friend was written and directed by John
Lafia, co-writer of the first Child’s Play movie and director of
Child’s Play 2. He brought Kevin Yagher, creator of the Chucky
doll, with him onto Man’s Best Friend in order to create the animatronic
effects for Max. The actor playing Lori’s husband, Perry, may seem
familiar to fans of TV sensation Lost – he’s Fredric Lehne,
and he played Marshall Mars, the ill-fated agent on Kate’s trail,
in the hit island thriller. For amusement with another super-smart murderous
mutt of unnatural origin, see: Rock Hudson.
